At times I feel scared people will figure out I’m a fake, that I know nothing… Other times I feel so confident in my knowledge and expertise that I even offer to help and guide others.
I often wonder where this ambivalence comes from.. Do free range humans, who’s lives haven’t been disrupted by schooling, ever feel this way? Or do I feel like this because of the culture shock of finally being set free in the real world after having been kept in a box for so long? Maybe my feelings are just a 21st century thing… Adjusting to the masses of information cheap travel and the internet make available has to come at a price… Feeling this way could also just simply be the result of measuring my insignificant self against the vast universe. Because what can an ant truly know?
I struggle with this feeling a lot. On one hand I am so hungry for meaningful learning experiences that I could go on exploring forever and non stop.. On the other hand I feel completely lost, scared and overwhelmed.. So much so that I just wanna crawl in a corner and hide there forever. Feeling so thorn is weird. I’d like to achieve some kind of middle ground: a feeling that somehow balances these extremes. I have no idea how though. So at the moment I’m basically just trying to learn how to cope with this dichotomy.
So far my coping technique has constituted of the following repetition.
I first go on these learning sprees. I binge on everything life has to offer until I exhaust myself and fall ill. Than I lie there in my metaphorical corner recovering until I have regained enough strength to have at it again. And the cycle repeats itself. The number 1 issue here is that I have tremendous trouble pacing myself. Also that there is just too much to learn. It’s easy to feel lost and overwhelmed. What to learn next? Almost everything looks interesting but there is only so much time and concentration power available..
I also feel that I loose a lot of the wisdom and knowledge I gain because of my insatiable thirst for new challenges and experiences. My brain has a hard time keeping track of everything I learn entire chunks from whatever I don’t use much get thrown out or buried. And even so I feel like a mental hoarder. 😬 Where is that sweet spot between learning new things and reveling in what you already know and have? How do I pace myself to just learn new bits here and there while also taking enough time out to rest, recharge, do all the menial labor required for daily life.. And how do I even begin doing all this while being responsible for the nurturing of two younglings?
Do you recognize any of my struggles? What personal challanges have you faced in your deschooling journey? Please share bellow! 👇